…in the middle of nowhere.
Amidst 20 bunk beds and twice as many sleeping bodies.
Look at you now,
covered habitually from head to toe
in your blanket.
Covered come heat or cold. Unconscious protection.
One more form of protection.
Look at you now,
in the middle of the night,
just emerge from the deepest realms of sleep.
Just when you realize something woke you up,
a distant sound perhaps.
It wouldn’t be the first time,
should never be a threat.
But today…
Look at you now,
your eyes adjusting to the darkness.
Moonlight streaks, outlines of windows,
and of bodies and so much silence.
And then something else. Somewhere else.
A sound
…that you know has not ended.
You don’t know why.
You would have turned over and
gone back to sleep.
But today…
this is neither a thriller novel to snap
shut nor a horror movie to switch off.
And look at you now,
another sound, like the first.
You are so sure,
even though it is not possible,
that those two sounds a minute apart
are footsteps. You are sure
that someone is wearing heels and
you know it isn’t one of your colleagues.
Not in this place, not at this time.
You are suddenly sure, though you can’t tell me why,
that that one story you heard
told so many times at gatherings born of boredom,
one of the many myths you laughed over,
is about to happen
…again?
That story does not end well.
Is this how it usually begins?
Look at you now.
Dread builds itself up slowly
in your every body cell. Two clicks
of a heel have become three. Then four.
They come in pairs now. But slowly.
Still far away, not loud at all and yet
so clear, so obvious. They are coming
from the end of the outside corridor,
and you know deep in your deepest depths,
they are coming right here. To you.
Look at you now.
Unbelieving but accepting. Then
making a decision to believe,
but in something else. In some One?
Else?
And so you of little faith, you
build yourself a crash fortress out of
a god you now hope exists.
You have nothing else to do now,
why not this.
Look at you now, fearing death. Then
not anymore. Now fearing the process
of death, fearing pain.
Look at you fearing the aftermath. Wondering
what you will leave behind, knowing
who you will leave behind, asking
where you will go and what you might do
there…
Look at you now,
remembering why you hate
horror movies. Remembering
gruesome scenes of premeditated
dismemberings.
See all the red of the blood and
the green of the grunge in this grey
darkness. See all the yellow of eyes
and all the flashes of light.
See with your mind’s eye,
what comes to you
this very minute.
See that it does not exist,
but for you. See that your
future does not exist
with it.
See why,
if you survive this,
you will never watch another
horror movie?
Look at you now,
resignedly awaiting your fate.
Pulling the covers back over you,
tucking them under your feet and your head,
like you always do. Realizing just now
why you have always done this. Trying
to decide if you should go down with a fight.
Knowing you can have no help in this room.
Not now, not tonight.
Look at you now,
listening for the slow, slow
steady click of heels.
Look at you now,
14 years old, and experiencing
the longest 3 minutes of your life
yet. Every second, every millisecond and
every micro-millisecond of it.
The 3 longest minutes of your life
so far, and maybe for ever…
Look at you stepping outside of
your own body to look at your
covered self. Hear your rapid thoughts.
See your mind race through prayers to a
god you hope still remembers
you. Hear yourself make promises. Hear
requests for the blood of a
sacrificial lamb and the fire of a
holy spirit. You don’t deserve
it, but you need it. You need so badly because
the footsteps are now at the door. And
your heart is beating
so hard, it might explode
within your bony chest.
Feel the slow tingling build-up of
an inner scream. The one that
takes over all senses and sucks
you into black-hole. Surely the whole
world is astir at this eerie disturbance
of their peaceful sleep. Watch yourself
scream your innards into numbness
and it still does not erase
the sound of the heel that
just clicked in front
of your bunk.
{Excurse}
Current state of mind:
if you had a weapon, you
would use it on you
now.
You cannot decide
between eyes screwed shut
and face your fear. You
do not know if god is
listening or laughing. You
cannot stop your rigid form
from shivering violently. And
because you are now shivering
your whole bunk-bed into life,
‘she’ knows…
…that you know.
She also now knows
that you are sorry for
whatever happened. And
that you are afraid but
willing to atone. She knows
that all you want is
for this to finally be over.
She waits
…while you die a million deaths.
An infinite minute
passes before you
hear another click. If you ever
could still exercise belief!
A second click confirms
that ‘she’ is going away. You
dare not exhale least ‘she’ turned
back. You dare not hope that
this is ending.
The frayed ends
of your subconscious asks you
if a human can die
of relief.
An hour later, the faint beat
of your fighting heart
taps on your numb shell and
you realize that you are
still alive. There is an
intense awakening of all things
you and a salt spring bursts
unhinged from your soul’s windows and
meanders its way down the fertile earth
that is your skin. And in you
there is a resounding
all-encompassing melody that
rocks your every atom into
oneness with the universe. And
you laugh. Loudly.
Uncontrollably. With an arc forming
in your back and your eyes rolling
into the back of
your head.
Is this what it feels like to be
re-born?
Another forever has passed and
your laughter has subsided. You
are staring upwards at the muted darkness
through your blanket and you have
given up on ever finding sleep again.
Also, you have used up
all your laughter for this
lifetime.
You will never
laugh over another boarding school
myth again. You will never
laugh over superstitions
again. And you will never
get over this night.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Madam_Koi_Koi
P.S. I still sleep covered from head to toe