…in the middle of nowhere.
\nAmidst 20 bunk beds and twice as many sleeping bodies.
\nLook at you now,
\ncovered habitually from head to toe
\nin your blanket.
\nCovered come heat or cold. Unconscious protection.
\nOne more form of protection.<\/p>\n
Look at you now,
\nin the middle of the night,
\njust emerge from the deepest realms of sleep.
\nJust when you realize something woke you up,
\na distant sound perhaps.
\nIt wouldn\u2019t be the first time,
\nshould never be a threat.<\/p>\n
But today\u2026<\/p>\n
Look at you now,
\nyour eyes adjusting to the darkness.
\nMoonlight streaks, outlines of windows,
\nand of bodies and so much silence.
\nAnd then something else. Somewhere else.<\/p>\n
A sound
\n\u2026that you know has not ended.<\/p>\n
You don\u2019t know why.
\nYou would have turned over and
\ngone back to sleep.<\/p>\n
But today…
\nthis is neither a thriller novel to snap
\nshut nor a horror movie to switch off.<\/p>\n
And look at you now,
\nanother sound, like the first.<\/p>\n
You are so sure,
\neven though it is not possible,
\nthat those two sounds a minute apart
\nare footsteps. You are sure
\nthat someone is wearing heels and
\nyou know it isn\u2019t one of your colleagues.
\nNot in this place, not at this time.<\/p>\n
You are suddenly sure, though you can\u2019t tell me why,
\nthat that one story you heard
\ntold so many times at gatherings born of boredom,
\none of the many myths you laughed over,
\nis about to happen
\n…again?<\/p>\n
That story does not end well.
\nIs this how it usually begins?<\/p>\n
Look at you now.
\nDread builds itself up slowly
\nin your every body cell. Two clicks
\nof a heel have become three. Then four.
\nThey come in pairs now. But slowly.
\nStill far away, not loud at all and yet
\nso clear, so obvious. They are coming
\nfrom the end of the outside corridor,
\nand you know deep in your deepest depths,
\nthey are coming right here. To you.<\/p>\n
Look at you now.
\nUnbelieving but accepting. Then
\nmaking a decision to believe,
\nbut in something else. In some One?
\nElse?
\nAnd so you of little faith, you
\nbuild yourself a crash fortress out of
\na god you now hope exists.<\/p>\n
You have nothing else to do now,
\nwhy not this.<\/p>\n
Look at you now, fearing death. Then
\nnot anymore. Now fearing the process
\nof death, fearing pain.<\/p>\n
Look at you fearing the aftermath. Wondering
\nwhat you will leave behind, knowing
\nwho you will leave behind, asking
\nwhere you will go and what you might do
\nthere\u2026<\/p>\n
Look at you now,
\nremembering why you hate
\nhorror movies. Remembering
\ngruesome scenes of premeditated
\ndismemberings.
\nSee all the red of the blood and
\nthe green of the grunge in this grey
\ndarkness. See all the yellow of eyes
\nand all the flashes of light.
\nSee with your mind\u2019s eye,
\nwhat comes to you
\nthis very minute.<\/p>\n
See that it does not exist,
\nbut for you. See that your
\nfuture does not exist
\nwith it.<\/p>\n
See why,
\nif you survive this,
\nyou will never watch another
\nhorror movie?<\/p>\n
Look at you now, Knowing you can have no help in this room. Look at you now, The 3 longest minutes of your life Look at you stepping outside of the footsteps are now at the door. And Feel the slow tingling build-up of {Excurse}<\/em> You cannot decide \u2026that you know.<\/p>\n She also now knows She waits<\/p>\n …while you die a million deaths.<\/p>\n An infinite minute <\/p>\n The frayed ends <\/p>\n An hour later, the faint beat Is this what it feels like to be Another forever has passed and Also, you have used up You will never
\nresignedly awaiting your fate.
\nPulling the covers back over you,
\ntucking them under your feet and your head,
\nlike you always do. Realizing just now
\nwhy<\/em> you have always done this. Trying
\nto decide if you should go down with a fight.<\/p>\n
\nNot now, not tonight.<\/p>\n
\nlistening for the slow, slow
\nsteady click of heels.
\nLook at you now,
\n14 years old, and experiencing
\nthe longest 3 minutes of your life
\nyet. Every second, every millisecond and
\nevery micro-millisecond of it.<\/p>\n
\nso far, and maybe for ever\u2026<\/p>\n
\nyour own body to look at your
\ncovered self. Hear your rapid thoughts.
\nSee your mind race through prayers to a
\ngod you hope still remembers
\nyou. Hear yourself make promises. Hear
\nrequests for the blood of a
\nsacrificial lamb and the fire of a
\nholy spirit. You don\u2019t deserve
\nit, but you need it. You need so badly because<\/p>\n
\nyour heart is beating
\nso hard, it might explode
\nwithin your bony chest.<\/p>\n
\nan inner scream. The one that
\ntakes over all senses and sucks
\nyou into black-hole. Surely the whole
\nworld is astir at this eerie disturbance
\nof their peaceful sleep. Watch yourself
\nscream your innards into numbness
\nand it still does not erase
\nthe sound of the heel that
\njust clicked in front
\nof your bunk.<\/p>\n
\nCurrent state of mind:<\/em>
\nif you had a weapon, you<\/em>
\nwould use it on you<\/em>
\nnow.<\/em><\/p>\n
\nbetween eyes screwed shut
\nand face your fear. You
\ndo not know if god is
\nlistening or laughing. You
\ncannot stop your rigid form
\nfrom shivering violently. And
\nbecause you are now shivering
\nyour whole bunk-bed into life,
\n\u2018she\u2019 knows\u2026<\/p>\n
\nthat you are sorry for
\nwhatever happened. And
\nthat you are afraid but
\nwilling to atone. She knows
\nthat all you want is
\nfor this to finally be over.<\/p>\n
\npasses before you
\nhear another click. If you ever
\ncould still exercise belief!
\nA second click confirms
\nthat \u2018she\u2019 is going away. You
\ndare not exhale least \u2018she\u2019 turned
\nback. You dare not hope that
\nthis is ending.<\/p>\n
\nof your subconscious asks you
\nif a human can die
\nof relief.<\/p>\n
\nof your fighting heart
\ntaps on your numb shell and
\nyou realize that you are
\nstill alive. There is an
\nintense awakening of all things
\nyou and a salt spring bursts
\nunhinged from your soul\u2019s windows and
\nmeanders its way down the fertile earth
\nthat is your skin. And in you
\nthere is a resounding
\nall-encompassing melody that
\nrocks your every atom into
\noneness with the universe. And
\nyou laugh. Loudly.
\nUncontrollably. With an arc forming
\nin your back and your eyes rolling
\ninto the back of
\nyour head.<\/p>\n
\nre-born?<\/p>\n
\nyour laughter has subsided. You
\nare staring upwards at the muted darkness
\nthrough your blanket and you have
\ngiven up on ever finding sleep again.<\/p>\n
\nall your laughter for this
\nlifetime.<\/p>\n
\nlaugh over another boarding school
\nmyth again. You will never
\nlaugh over superstitions
\nagain. And you will never
\nget over this night.<\/p>\n